I wake up every day with the same ache. It’s already there before I even open my eyes. A heavy thought that maybe no one really cares about me. That maybe no one truly chooses me. That maybe no one loves me in the way I secretly wish someone would.
Most days, I go on like nothing is wrong. I get up, fix myself, show up, talk, do what needs to be done. I’ve learned how to be strong. I’ve learned how to hold myself together. It feels automatic now, like something I wear without thinking. And once it’s on, no one really looks past it.
But truth is, I’m tired. There are parts of me that hurt quietly, parts I don’t know how to talk about because I have no one to talk to about these things now. They're all gone far and away. So, I just try to ignore them, but they show up anyway. In the silence when I’m alone. In moments when everything suddenly feels louder. When I see people who look genuinely happy with their friends. When I catch myself wondering if there’s someone out there who would choose me without hesitation. Someone who would actually stay near, whom I can run into anytime. Someone who would say, “I think of you everyday. You matter,” and actually mean it.
It’s strange how you can be surrounded by people and still feel lacking. How you can take care of everyone and still feel unworthy. I don’t know if I’ve been strong for too long, or if I learned early on that asking for reassurance makes me feel weak. So I keep everything in. I smile a bit more. I laugh a bit louder. I hope no one notices where I’m breaking.
But every night, when things slow down, the truth comes back. I just want to feel I am worthy spending time with. I want to feel wanted without having to push myself. I want someone to stay, not because they should, but because they genuinely want to.
Maybe one day I’ll wake up and that ache won’t be there anymore.
Maybe one day I’ll finally believe I’m enough.
I hope one day, I'll wake up and you are already here near me, again.
#FriendshipDrama #TraumaDump #LeftBehind #MissMyFriends